Competition

It kinds of hurt me when my friends who are more slack and insincere in classes are getting better results than I am.

I try to avoid the question all together my with studies because I simply cannot live with the truth.

But it is what it is no matter I like it or not.. Instead of feeling mere jealousy, I shall take this as a motivation to learn from their technique and do better..

 

It feels better after addressing the feeling.

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Suit

Have you ever wonder why men wear one type of suit to all formal events while women changes gowns from an emperor gowns to mermaid tail, having to choose a different one in all kinds of function?

While appreciating the advantage to wear all kinds of dresses that flatters, I tried to figure out the reason.

One that I have found so far is that a man is appreciated by what is in his mind, and his capabilities, instead of how good he looks. Well.. undoubtedly men look good in simple classic suits. But why they are allowed to repeat their suits, while ladies are looked in a different way if they repeat the dress, and why not just wear a really nice, and flattering classic to all events like men? It does not have to be a suit.

I was influenced by the idea of minimalism, and being poor. lol.

It came to me that a nice flattering dress can, and shall be able to be worn to difference occasions repeatedly. I wish too, to be appreciated by merely my presence, wit and skills more than the fashion show I try to put on.

A little black dress

 

Just like a simple black dress that fits and flatters. I have worn this dress to many occasions, including classes, meet ups, beach, dinner, and a concert, simply because it is comfortable and convenience.
Though it doesn’t look like one… it sort of essentially fits into the definition of a suit for me. =)

No matter the gender, I guess we shall all be allowed to repeat attires, be simple whenever felt like, while allowing our ac-companion who likes to dress up takes the spotlight, still.. regardless of gender.

On Earth

My faculty has organized and attended a wonderful prom night on last Friday.

I have refused to attend seeming everything that goes against my own recent formed belief of it being less environmental friendly and contributed to food waste glamorously.

Yes.. we do dress up and look fancy like a once in a lifetime prince and princess fantasy.. it is a cool experience to show how beautiful one can be given the effort, and money. Forming a disney moment to remember for the lifetime.

After attending to 3 proms in the past years.. I guess I have got my fair share of fairy tale experiences and shall stop pursuing it.

Instead, embrace what is real good and beautiful: kindness.

The beauty of appearance last several years, but the beauty of soul last forever.

Though I can’t deny that my batch mates do look very good in those pictures that I wish I am part of.. haha who am I kidding.

Back to nature

Went to Lembah Bujang and Tupah waterfall for a walk..

I cannot deny the power of nature in rejuvenating;

and the danger of stepping onto fire ants with nothing but slippers;

as well as the importance of taking care of mother earth.
These photos are to be kept nicely in my memories reminding that tomorrow will always be a better day.

Some cute fruits found on a tree at Lembah Bujang

Lanscape view of Lembah Bujang hindu temple archeology site

Dearest Hui Ying and I at Tupah river

Nothing

There are times when I want to do so much on a weekend and end up getting nothing done.

Yesterday was one of the example.

Minute to minute anxiety brings nothing productive.

I should have just gone traveling. Gah.. haha.

She

And so we had a class with a renowned specialist today. She has been very particular, demanding, and strict in her work and teaching. Classes with her was a nightmare for students, especially if we are ill-prepared. I was relatively lucky as the questions she asked me were those that I manage to remember, but many of others suffers from reprimanding.

Her behavior and personality reminiscent so much of my two aunts and father, for the eldest aunt is super particular, serious, easily agitated and strict, and the second aunt is bossy, cares too much about the things she does, and does not trust other people’s work, finally my father is commanding, ego and expects the highest bit of respect.

Common thing is that they all are never happy, and terribly hard to please in the conventional way but somehow extraordinarily good in the things they venture in.

She is the combined version of all 3, with the good thing that she speaks quite nice and softly like an English lady. And yes, she cares for her patients, they like her.

 

Somehow growing up in this environment, and going through the Queen’s Guides’ tests with super fussy testers, I learnt and adapted to find a way out with people like these.

First of all, do not be afraid. The more worried I was, more mistakes were to be done, which agitated them further.

Second, be prepared, like be perfect. Yes, no excuse. I am a perfectionist and quite particular and strict to myself.. Many things I depreciate myself for not being able to achieve before other people comment a thing. Maybe somethings does matter, but it is ok for not being able achieve it yet.. But yea..when my classmates grumble about it. I somehow understand why she is angry.

Thirdly, she has high expectation on us and cares so much about the patients.

Yes.. Every time we have class, we never pay much kindness and consideration to the patients.. She wants us to approach and greet the patient in a nice way. I can totally understand that. And yes… many of us are simply rude and ignorant. For example there are different position of nurses in hospital ranging from Matron, Sister, Staff nurse, MA, to PPK. The most obvious difference is sister(light blue uniform, higher ranking) and Staff nurse(white uniform with blue line). Being attached to the hospitals for almost 2 years now.. many of us still call the staff nurse Sister, and do not bother to change when corrected. It is like calling Peugeot car Lamborghini. We do not smile, and greet people when we meet members of the hospital. It is agreeable for her to correct us.

Somehow, the approach is not ideal.. for it seems she has led a very unhappy life despite being on top. Her worries, and grudge has trapped her emotions in to a form of rage and aggression that scares everyone away.

I might wish to be good, particular and be considerate but to people whom we want to change, in the name of education/influence/preaching.. Rage and anger does not work too well. The negative emotion we put ourselves in in order to show fury us eventually engulfs us. Her life is an example of it. However vague, i believe her starting point was kind.

 

Learning to behave with her, I applied a lot of body language to show humble, complete obedience and learning enthusiasm. She has been so watchful in everything around, once i got my pen snatched because i was scribbling behind her, and once my notebook was taken away for i was opening it while my friend struggled to present her case without referring. Haha. Good lesson learnt.

There’s once she kept all our notebooks because she wants us to speak without refering to notebook, knowing she feels agitated when people write on their hand, I did so when she told us our assignments questions. Res ipsa loquitur. We got the books back.

Second story.. sitting next to her.. it is best not to do anything. But I wanted to see the examinations my friend was doing, so i moved my chair. It triggered her reaction. I showed total focus on the target. Another one was picking up a pen for her.. So many hassle, but No scolding. Good job! Haha..  Yes, I believe actions can be done around her.. but display the motion as pure as possible. She is an understanding person.

I am not trying to be gender biased, generally in people who are: caring, considerate, meticulous, yet demanding perfection, which is commonly some women in power who feel that they are challenged. Just go with it and show that you have nothing to hide. Kindness is their soft spot, they will not want to go outrage unless challenged, or when trust is lost. Stop complaining and just be the good you can be. Often these challenges makes one tough and better in some aspects. Just like how I grew up with. The side effect is that one day you might fall into that furious emotional trap and become her replica. So it is best to avoid it by losing your emotional attachments to negative ones. Learn the excellence, drop the fear.

Bahahaha. I am so happy.

从前从前

总会有一些时候,遇见/想起中学写部落格的朋友,而去浏览他们的部落格。

看着,看着……有的关闭,有的更改隐私,有的最后一次更新则是2010了~

细读充满憧憬的我们那年吐诉真心,好有感觉。

部落格,曾今对我们来说有多么重要,

一个网址,一篇文字,释放多少内心情怀、喜悦和不安。

随着成长和私隐问题,很多的我们也渐渐找到了其他释怀的方法。

噢,曾今这部落格没有人浏览,今年多那么几个陌生的支持,有种志同道合的兴奋;

偶尔的内心释怀,会顾虑到无奇不有的大众读者。

 

所以,这网址会处于公开状态,有些文章将会有密码,密码是我中学时最喜欢的动物。=)

A cycle

After a recent conversation with a friend’s father in Chinese New Year, his words stuck in my mind saying that we should learn to take things easy, instead of pushing too hard for it, because things might turn out the other way.

Yes. I agree, being A type and all stress out does not guarantee the outcome.. In a stressed state, we feel that we work a lot but in the end we are just paying a lot of effort with a little outcome.

I am still balancing my physiology needs, biological clock and studies. Insomnia haunts me again.. so i feel fatigue usually after morning class. Instead of pushing through the day like I previously always do, I actually skipped and take the rest I needed. I understand that it is not ideal. Rather being all strained off from the whole day unable to absorb a thing in class and do anything much in the evening. This change somehow it gave me some time to recharge and to work efficiently in the evening.

Perhaps after some adjustment hopefully the insomnia will get better that I can get back on track next week.

Looking back

So I was convinced with the Kon Mari method and stated practicing it to clear and reorganize my belongings. It uses the basis of going through all items one by one to only keep things that sparks joy instead of focusing on discarding items.

 

I first organized those belongings in my rented room in Sungai Petani in January.
As most items were accumulated in recent 4 years of study life so it isn’t too bad to go through all of them.

Now I tried practicing it at my very own room in Penang.
It is the base where i store all the things that matters to me since small.
I only completed reviewing my clothes today,
and noticed the number of clothes I kept for girl guides, is the most.
There are uniforms, souvenir shirts and those good T i kept in case i need to go camping again..

It occured to me that guiding has been a huge part of my life.
Despite not being able to dedicate too much time and effort to it, it still stays in my heart.

Then there are some signed shirts from other activities, and the form 5 graduation T-shirt..
I discarded the signed shirts, kept the graduation T anyway..

 

It is amazing how time has passed. Looking back at high school, I am almost 25 y/o now.
Many struggles, and things that had mattered so much now longer do.

Perhaps whatever misery it is that we are now having, it will go away eventually..

Growth

I recently participated in a radiology quiz..

The opportunity to be in the same team with a cheerful girl has changed my perspective. Reminding me how a serious person that I have been.

Sometimes having fun makes the people around better persons. 

Still I am afraid of people getting clingy with me. How can I face this fear and deal with it..
Apart from that.. I learnt the importance of teamwork in studying medicine, aka group study and to seek help when needed, and remain humble.

Also to 

Love, when you can.

Passion is essential to enjoy and do well..

I dont know why but I really do love moments of solitary and diving into deep thoughts without interruptions.

This is a photo of us with our beloved radiologist, Dr Aref from Bangladesh whom in so many ways transformed me into a better person with only few weeks of interactions.