THANK YOU BN. For giving us the World’s Healthiest Country. Even as the Elections Commission, your own agents, ooops … I mean er… civil servants, admitted one week before the elections, Malaysia has more than 8,500 voters aged over 100! Dear BN, what’s your secret? Do these super-old voters drink ginseng? Tongkat Ali? Or indelible ink?
THANK YOU BN. For giving us the World’s Most Expensive Car Jack. As the Auditor General’s Report released last year showed, you used our money to buy car jacks at RM5,741 each when it costs only RM50 per piece in the hardware store. I understand that these fantastic tools can "jack up" not only cars but even Datuks all the way up to the Fourth Floor of Pak Lah’s Minister Mentor.
THANK YOU Umno. For the World’s Greatest U-Turn. Last November, when HINDRAF (HINDu Rights Action Force) Indians demonstrated in KL to protest their "marginalisation" by the Umno-controlled government, you condemned them as "ruffians" who would jeopardise social stability, tourism and foreign direct investment (FDI).
But one week after elections, Umno itself demonstrated in Penang, Ipoh and Shah Alam claiming that the new State Governments there will "marginalise" the Malays. And no doubt, they want to "promote" inter-racial harmony, social stability, tourism and FDI with slogans like: "Don’t play fire with Malay rights!" So dear Umno, why don’t you call yourselves MALRAF – MALay Rights Action Force!
THANK YOU Gerakan. For the World’s Smartest Economic Policy. As revealed by blogger (and now MP) Jeff Ooi, former Chief Minister Koh Tsu Koon used taxpayers’ money to give Motorola a RM1 billion (that’s RM1,000 million) contract, so that the American electronics company would announce (just before the elections) a RM350 million investment in Penang to "prove" that the state was still economically "competitive". Wow, what a vote of "confidence" in Penang’s economy!
THANK YOU Umno for the World’s Greatest Irony. Last November, you accused HINDRAF of causing losses to businesses and traffic jams (when it was actually the massive police roadblocks/crackdown that caused the jams/chaos). You said such protests were "not our culture" and a "threat to national security" worthy of ISA detentions.
But now Umno’s MALRAF has shown that such protests are indeed part of Malaysian, or at least, Malay culture. And the best part was that they proved we could have peaceful demonstrations – as long as the police behave professionally. In other words, Umno’s demonstrations have truly "demonstrated" that 50 year old Malaysia is mature enough to allow people to "let off steam" by shouting and holding banners for an hour or two without incurring National Apocalypse.
And then after all that shouting and sweating, habis cerita! We Malaysians (who are so bored that we stop our cars to look at road accidents) finally get some street entertainment and after that all the crowds go for their teh tarik and roti canai. Hey, that’s good business for the mamak shops you know!
But if you ask me, the true MALRAF are the many Malays who protested against BN policies through their votes, especially in Kedah, Kelantan, Penang, Perak, Selangor and KL. Just as the majority of Chinese did an electoral CHINRAF.
So what shall we call those Umno demonstrators? How about MONEYRAF? A MONEY Rights Action Force to demand their "Malay rights" privileges to "buta gaji" contracts, projects, AP’s and share allocations so that they (and their Mak Datin wives) can continue to buy their BMW’s (and "ori-punya" Gucci handbags) while the real makciks struggle to make a living selling mee goreng at the roadside.
THANK YOU Selangor BN, for being the World’s Most Environment-Friendly Government. DAP Kampung Tunku State Assemblyman, Lau Weng San, has lodged a police report over alleged destruction of documents by the previous Selangor State Government. Pictures have appeared on the internet of files strewn all over office floors.
Perhaps they were shredding all that paper to recycle into tissue paper? To wipe away the s**t before it hits the fan when the new Menteri Besar takes over? Ah, what fragrant records they shall leave behind…. how eco-friendly of them!
THANK YOU MCA. For giving us the World’s Best "Buy One Free One!" Special Offer. This means the voters can Buy Opposition and Still Get Free BN Service!
Despite Pak Lah threatening the Chinese that they would "lose representation" in the government if they voted for the Opposition, the MCA still got their four Minister’s posts in Pak Lah’s new Cabinet. Of course, these Minister-ships have little real power anyway.
For example, even though the MCA got a massive "mandate" in the 2004 elections, the MCA "Minister of Housing and Local Government" (H&LG) never had power over housing and local government. Why? Because these matters are actually (in the Constitution, no less) under the jurisdiction of State Governments! The Minister of H&LG could not appoint Majlis Perbandaran Councillors or give approvals for housing projects. In fact, he himself once complained that Local Councils were not implementing his proposals for more CCTV’s, street barriers and well-lighted pavements under the "Safe City Concept".
As MCA president Datuk Seri Ong Ka Ting said himself on March 9, the party "accepted and respected the people’s decision" and would "continue to fight" for the rights of the community and country. As The Star reported, he also urged MCA candidates with good track records "not to be affected" by their defeat and to "carry on serving" the community. One example is the hardworking MP Lee Hwa Beng, who despite being defeated by the young man who filmed the VK Lingam video, has sportingly agreed: "I will keep my service centre open." Well done sir.
In other words, the people get the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. We get more of an Opposition voice in Parliament and we still get the BN reps to help us with complaints of blocked longkangs, blinking street-lights and bloody road potholes. Well, how else can they hope to win back our votes in 2013?
BUT what if the new State Governments transform the Majlis Perbandaran’s to become more efficient? To do the bloody blinking jobs they were paid to do in the first place? What will happen to the MCA’s Majlis Perbandaran Liaison Officer and Petition Writer roles? Oh oh… looks like the MCA reps have to urgently reinvent and rebrand themselves.
THANK YOU Elections Commission (EC). For giving Malaysia the World’s Most Advanced Technology. Before this, we’ve only seen "tele-portation" on Star Trek – you know, like when Captain Kirk or Dr. Spock says "beam me up" and they are instantly "tele-transported" in a sort of large laser beam from some strange planet back to the mother spaceship.
But BERSIH, the elections reform group, says that you, the EC, have managed to transfer voters (possibly thousands) from Selangor to places like Kelantan and Terengganu without even their knowledge. How many of these people could actually drive five to eight hours all the way there to vote? PAS claims that at least 200 buses of "phantom voters" were brought into Terengganu and its President, Hadi Awang says police "escorted them like VIP’s".
No wonder the cartoonist Zunar calls you, the EC, a "component party" of the Barisan Nasional. Come on… don’t so like dat-lah. I mean, congratulations on such marvellous technology and all that. But dear EC, at least you should have the basic courtesy to "tele-transport" voters only after they say "beam me up". Not before, OK?
What’s next EC? Al Jazeera TV reported on March 9 that you could stuff 560 "registered voters" into one street of small terrace houses in Cheras, Selangor. You even had the sense of humour to stuff 26 of them into the same 1,400 sq ft house (perhaps to share the bathroom?) as the brother of Jenice Lee (now elected as DAP State Assemblywoman for Teratai, Selangor).
Now, we all know that great progress is being made in "data compression" technology. For example, we used to need two or three pieces of VCD’s for one movie whereas nowadays, you can stuff five or even more movies into just one piece of DVD. So… for 2013, I am looking forward to the EC’s "best-punya" world-class technology – to stuff 30 "registered voters" into the dog kennel behind my house!
THANK YOU MIC. For the World’s Best SMS jokes! Allow me to jazz them up.
"Hi. My friend is looking for a job. Construction background. His education not that strong. But can "kau tim" things. Any buildings collapse, he will say Act of God. He was with Malaysian Govt past 30 years. Last job: Works Minister. His name is Samy Vellu. Please help him to get at least toll gate collector job. Thanks."
And you probably also heard the "latest news" that Samy Vellu is now a film producer in Bolehwood? His first movie will be Kuch Kuch Kalah Hai starring Mydin Khan, Sharizat Rai, Kayveas Kapoor, Koh Tsu Khan and Khir Tempe Blachan. Special guest appearances by Khairy Kumar and Bobby Badawi.
And lastly, there was this: Breaking news! Samy is very angry and will leave MIC to form a new political party for Indians called Parti Untuk Kaum India MAlaysia – PUKIMA.
I guess many have seen it before..